‘It seems to me that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and Love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable’.
Nick Cave open letter to fan article
This quote seems to keep showing up and whenever that happens, I know I need to pay attention to it.
I’m currently putting the finishing touches to the last in the Thomas Angel trilogy, Thomas Angel and the Trinity of Light, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the themes in the book. And Nick Cave’s letter just about sums it up, but much more eloquently. Love and grief are intertwined. If you don’t love you can’t grieve for the loss, be it of your parent, animal companion or anything that gives meaning to your life.
Grief is a physical pain that feels like it will never end, and bleeds into every cell of your being. You don’t notice the day it stops hurting quite so much, but it does. Each day that passes, grief doesn’t leave you but it settles within you so you carry it, alongside the love you had for your lost one, and that weight eventually descends and whilst it never leaves you, the feeling of it becomes part of you. In the same way that love to begin with is born of fire and rages within you, but slowly drifts into a comfort, becomes part of your being. It softens but never leaves you.
When Willow died I was consumed by grief, I didn’t know how, or indeed if I was able to put one foot in front of the other each day. Days blurred into weeks and my soul was ripped apart daily when I realised he was no longer there. But I grieved so deeply because I loved him so fiercely, and whilst it may have not seemed it at the time, the gaping wounds created by that grief breaking me open created an opening for love to germinate and eventually grow again.
And that grief and love that I endured during that time became the novels. Unbeknownst to me the themes of the novels would be love and grief, eternally intertwined in both my world and the world of Thomas Angel.
It’s said that its only in looking backwards that the journey and the patterns within it can become clear, and it’s true. Looking back I can see how I moved from grief to love alongside Tom. How we both negotiated with ourselves to journey forward into the unknown, not knowing where it would lead. To fail and flail on a daily basis and to have emerged stronger and more resilient once the emotion has settled and walk forward with the knowledge that we will always carry grief and love within us.
I’ll leave the last words to Nechtan, Tom’s beloved uncle;
‘We all have scars Tom, it’s just that not all of them are on the outside.’
V.S.MINOU 